Frustration

 My life is frustrating at the moment. 

Work is frustrating with some many tasks and not enough time to do the tasks I want to do rather then those that others need to get done. Social life is frustrating as I find little to interest or motivate me, and even though there are things I could or even should be doing, they are of little interest to me. I want to change but I can't be motivated to do anything about it, so even though I find work and life generally frustrating, it's not enough to prompt me to make the effort to change anything. I think when you've been used to a certain level of pain for a along time, you don't really notice it any longer. Maybe something will happen that will push me to make a change, I don't think I am in a good place at the moment.

I should be living well, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about it all being taken away. This isn't a ply for help, I just thought it would help for me to write it down and I can come back to this again in the future to see if anything changed. I'm probably suffering from some form of anxiety and particularly suspect that includes social anxiety. Even when people ask if I am okay, I don't answer truthfully because I don't believe they want to hear the truth, or I don't want to burden them with my problems.

Although I generally like going into the office and being around people that I am familiar with, there is a part of me that is far more comfortable being alone and with my own company. I think the lockdowns only reinforced my preference to be alone. I have never been one to seek out large gatherings or crowds, and I see it in small things, like I can't be bothered to queue at lunch time, I would prefer to go somewhere where I won't have the wait or that I prefer to use the self-check outs, rather than have to interact with someone.

What would make me happy? A new job, where I get more control over what I do and when would help. Moving to somewhere that doesn't have a building site next door would help. Finding someone to share my life with would be wonderful. Finally getting the last few things settled with the  estate of my recently departed relative would also bring me piece of mind. Being motivated to do something about my health and not just spend evenings sitting on the couch watching TV.